.:: Phthalo Blue ::.
.:: Yellow Ochre ::.
.:: Burnt Sienna ::.
.:: Alizarin Crimson ::.
.:: Face Body Face ::.
It’s just a minute before 3:35 am. I’m nervous, anxious, worried. Not enough room for excitement. Not enough room for a game plan. Shit, I just want enough room to sleep. I don’t know what I’m doing… In 15 hours I’ll be in front of camera for the first time in 2 years. Maybe it’s shorter than that. I don’t know. It’s been a long while. I’ve chosen this time to come out of hiding. The exhibitionist that I am is tired of being in doors and in the dark. Really she’s sick of me scrutinizing myself until I have put my seal of approval on every microscopic square inch of my body. And we all know that’s never going to happen any time soon. I would like it too but then I’d be missing something. A lesson, a moral of some story I was too distracted to remember the beginning of, a clue to something about the animal I want to put on display. I worry if I’ll be good enough. Worried if i can prove that I am capable of successfully bringing the world I dream if to life. Watching “Precious”, “For Colored Girls” and “Paris is Burning” isn’t making me feel any better. I don’t feel miserable just feeling a tad on the discouraged side. In instances of self doubt and stigmatized self deprecation, I can hear the old woman in me wishing I had accessible role models I could turn too. Where’s my Auntie Mame when I need her? Or Ru Paul for that fucking matter?! Leave it me to believe in a figment of classical Hollywood and an entity of ones self. How did James St. James put it in “Freak Show”? “Reality is for the poor!”. In the current absence of dreams and the struggling battle to manipulate reality to do my bidding, I’m feeling a bit broke. I feels like I took a loan out on myself and am struggling to pay back the grandiose amounts in interest alone. But there is no price on dreams. There is only a price on making them come true. I haven’t looked at the price tag on mine but I know it’s high. Very high. In that high thousands to millions range. As Club 69 stated best: “if you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it”. Drag Race will liven my spirits. Drag queens make everything better in my world….. and George Michael… and lace gowns and pomegranate.
Strike a pose.
